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PIPES and PERDITION. 



NEW YOBK : 
O. A. Roorbach, Publisher. 



A Catalogue of Flays, giving the number of acts and characters, costumes and scenery 
required, and time of representation of each, will be sent free to any address* 



LIST OF PLAYS 

PUBLISHED BY 

O. A. ROORBACH, NEW YORK. 



Frice, 15 Cents Each. 



Advice Gratis. 

Afloa. and Ashore. 

All's Fair in Love and War. 

All In Der Family. 

Alladdin and the Wonderful 
Lamp. 

Antony and Cleopatra Mar- 
ried and Settled. 

Ask no Questions. 

Aunt Dinah's Pledge. 

Babes in the Wood, The. 

Bachelor's Bed-room, The. 

Bud Temper, A. 

Bailiffs Daughter, The. 

Beauty and the Beast. 

Betsy's Profile. 

Big Banana, The. 

Black urook Burlesque. 

Blue Beard. 

Boat ding School, The. 

Bric-a-Brac. 

Broken Promises. 

Broken Seal, The. 

Cabin Boy. The. 

Camille. 

Carried by Assault. 

Caste. 

Caught in his Own Toils. 

Champagne. 

Changelings (The) ; or, 
Which is Which! 

Charity. 

Child of Circumstance, The. 

Cinderella. 

Clancarty (Lady). 

Closing of The "Eagle," The. 

Comedy of Errors, burlesque. 

Cousin Florence. 

Cousin to Them All, A. 

Cross Purposes. 

Crumpled Rose Leaf, A. 

Cure for Coquettes, A. 

Da> cing Barber, The. 

Dark Deeds. 

Dark Noight's Business, A. 

Dawn ef Love, The. 

Decree of Divorce, The. 

Deeds of Dreadful Note. 

" Diplomacy." 

Don't Marry a Drunkard to 
Reform Him. 

Dot Mad Tog. 

Dot Madrimonial Advertise- 
ment. 

Dot Quied Lotgings. 

Drunkard's Home, The. 

Drunkard's Warning, The. 



Dutchman in Ireland. 

Eligible Situation, An. 

Fairy Freaks. 

Family Pictures. 

Family Pride. 

Fast Family, The. 

Feast, The. 

Fenian Spy, The. 

Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 
ard's Life. 

Fireside Diplomacy. 

Foresight ; or, My Daugh- 
ter's Dowry. 

Frog Prince, The. 

Fruits of the Wine-Cup, 

Furnished Apartments. 

Gabrie.lle de Belle Isle. 

Game of Billiards, A. 

Gay Old Man Am I, A- 

Getting up in the World. 

Girls of the Period, The. 

Going Through Him. 

Grace Darling. 

Gray Mare, A. 

Great Arrival, The. 

Great Eastern, The. 

Hamlet the Dainty. 

Happy Dispatch, The. 

Harlequin Little Red Riding 
Hood. 

Harvest Storm, The. 

Hasty Conclusion, A. 

His First Brief. 

H M.S. Pinafore. 

Hop of Fashion. The. 

How to Settle Accounts With 
Your Laundress. 

Hurrah for Pans! 

I'll Tell Your Wife 

I Love Your Wife. 

Ingomar. 

Inhuman. 

Irish Dragoon. 

Irish Engagement, An. 

Jack, The Giant Killer 

Jack's the Lad. 

Juliet's Love Letter. 

Katharine and Petruchio. 

La Cigale. 

Last Drop, The. 

Last Lily, The. 

Law Allows it, The. 

Leedle Mistake, A. 

Let Those Laugh Who Win. 

Limerick Boy, The, (Paddy 
Miles' Boy). 

Little Red Riding Hood. 



Little Silver Hair and the 

Three Bears. 
Locked Door, The. 
Lonely Pollywog of the Mill 

Pond, The. 
Lost Heir, The. 
Love, burlesque. 
Love and Money. 
Love Fiower, The. 
Love Master — Love Man. 
Loves of Little Bo-Peep, 

The. 
Love to Music. 
Lucy's Love Lesson. 
Lying in Ordinary. 
Lyrical Lover. 
Mad Astronomer, A. 
Male and Female. 
Married Widows, The. 
Marry in Haste and Repent 

at Leisure. 
Masquerading for Two. 
Matched, but nut Mated. 
Matrimony. 
Maud's Command. 
Mazeppa, burlesque. 
Medical Man, A. 
Middle Temple, The. 
Mischievous Bob. 
Miseries of Human Life. 
Money Makes the Man. 
Monsieur Pierre. 
More Bluuders Than One. 
Mother and Child are Doing 

Well. The. 
Mothers and Fathers. 
Mrs. Sairey Gamp's Tea and 

Turn Out. 
Mulcahy's Cat. 
Muolo.The Monkey. 
My Friend in the Straps. 
My Precious Betsy. 
Mystic Spell, The. 
Oh, My Uncle! 
One Must Marry. 
Original, The. 
Othello, burlesque. 
Ould Man's Coat Tails. 
Our Mary Anne. 
Our Professor. 
Out in the Streets. 
Out of the Depths. 
Patches and Powder. 
Peculiar Position, A. 
Penelope Anne. 
Perfection: or, The Cork Leg. 
Persecuted Dutchman, The. 



CONTINUED ON THIRD PAGE OF COVER. 



PIPES AND PERDITION 

A COMEDY 

%n ©tue &jct 

ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH, 

BY 

J. Y. PRICHARD. - 

TO WHICH IS ADDED : 

THE CAST OP CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND EXITS, DESCRIPTION OP 

THE COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON 

THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 






1,1 /T '.ft 



NEW YORK: 

O. A. ROORBACH, PUBLISHER. 



PIPES AND PERDITION. 



CHARACTEBS 



Captain Vane Valentine. 
Weekes, A Va ! et. 
Mrs. Alice Vane Valentine. 
Miss Rebecca Moloch. 



TIME— THE PRESENT. 



754*^ 



COSTUMES— MODERN. 



PROPERTIES. 

A German, a Turkish and an English briar pipe for the Captain. 
A common clay pipe, a tray and matches for Weekes. 
Shawls and travelling paraphernalia for Miss Moloch. 



ARRANGEMENT OF STAGE. 
"Window. 



Passage. 



Table. 



Table. 




O .Double Doors. O 

ab: 



Chair. Chair. 



Table. 



Sola 




Copyright, 1881, by O. A. Roobbach. 



PIPES AND PERDITION. 



Scene.— A private Salon in the Hotel Violette, Paris. The furni- 
ture and decorations should indicate that the suite is specially 
appropriated to bridal parties. Double doors at the back open- 
ing upon a passage with a practical window. A door, r., leading 
to the room set apart for Miss Moloch. Door, l., opening upon 
the chamber occupied by Captain Yalentine and his bride. A 
sofa, chairs, and several tables loaded with flowers in various 
stages of fadedness furnish the stage. As the curtain rises the 
doors are all carefully closed, and the Captain is discovered in 
a rich dressing-gown and cap, lying upon the Sflfa, smoking a 
German pipe. He affects an insouciant air, but is evidently 
nervous. 

Captain (ejecting wreaths of smoke). u Sublime tobacco ! which, 
from east to west, cheers the tar's labor and the Turkman's rest." 
Let me see — how does the apostrophe run? Ah, yes! " Divine in 
hookas, glorious in a pipe, when tipped with amber, mellow, rich, 

and ripe ; like other charmers, wooing the caress more more " 

Confound my memory ! how treacherous it is, to be sure ! Who would 
have believed that I, Yane Yalentine, could have forgotten a single 
word, that was ever written, spoken or thought in praise of that 
which was once my pet dissipation ! Ah, well ! half a blissful honey- 
moon, total abstinence from the alluring weed, and a general condi- 
tion of much-marriedness have wrought this startling change in me. 
This is actually the first opportunity I have had in two weeks of 
paying my respects to the darling pipes, which, during my happy 
bachelor days, stood by me in good stead of lady-loves and sweet- 
hearts. Alas, how real, how human those dear pipes seemed to me 
in my solitude, named, as they all were, after the most seductive 
heroines of romance, and always spoken of in the feminine gender. 
An odd fancy, surely, but then they were my sole companions. "Well, 
well, those days of innocent folly are passed and gone — vanished like 
the blue wreaths that were wont to waft my soul to the very gates of 
Paradise. (Smokes.) It is not that I have cause to regret my term of 
single-blessedness. Far from it ! My sweet Alice is the beau-ideal of 



4 PIPES AND PERDITION. 

bridal perfection, but she detests tobacco and a pipe (Enter 

"Weekes precipitately at back.) "Well, what do you want now? 

"Weekes (breathlessly). Captain, I believe the Missis has returned 
and is coming up stairs ! 

Captain (springing to ids feet). My wife coming? The devil you 
say ! (Gives Weekes his pipe.) Here, take it, quick ! Carry it out 
somewhere, anywhere, so that she does not see it ! Be off ! (Exit 
"Weekes at back with pipe.) I did, flatter myself that I should have 
had one half-hour, at least, to myself. (Thrashes the air with his 
handkerchief and cap to disperse the smoke.) There would be a rup- 
ture here were she to perceive this smoke. 

Enter "Weekes at back. 

"Weekes. Beg pardon, Captain, it was not the Missis after all. 

Captain. Stupid ! Have you no eyes ? Let me have Marguerite 
again, and another time 

Weekes (handing him a short, black pipe). Here she is, Cap- 
tain. 

Captain (placing pipe between his lips without noticing it). I'll 
wager she's out now ! (Starting.) Pah ! I should say so ! Lord bless 
me, this is not my Marguerite at all ! "What is this vile thing ? Whose 
is it ? 

"Weekes (in alarm). Oh, ten thousand pardons, Captain ! In my 
haste I 

Captain (furiously). It is your pipe, "Weekes ! 

"Weekes (modestly). I won't go back on her, Captain ; it is my 
Mary-Jane. 

Captain (in disgust, throwing pipe at "Weekes). Phew ! Infec- 
tion! So you indulge, do you? And pray, how long since is it that 
you have had the effrontery to christen your villainous pipes as I do 
mine? 

"Weekes (picking up pipe). This is the only companion of my 
solitude, Captain, and I don't suppose I have bestowed six whiffs 
upon her for the last fortnight. 

Captian (repressing a smile). It is well for you that you have 
not. Now be off, and bring me Marguerite this time. If she is out, 
you may replace her by the Sultana or Victoria. And understand, for 
the future, that I never re-light a hot pipe. Now go. 

"Weekes. Very good, Captain. (Exit at back. 

Captain (throwing himself upon the sofa). I wish the old Harry 
himself had had my wife's aunt Rebecca before she put her up to pre- 
venting my smoking ! Left to herself, Alice is well enough, but— 

Enter "Weekes at back with a German and Turkish pipe. 

"Weekes. Marguerite is out, Captain. 

Captain (taking German pipe). How do you know? 

"Weekes (cautiously). That is, I 1 suppose so. 



PIPES AND PERDITION. 5 

Captain. Permit me to be the judge. {Tests pipe and returns 
it.) ¥o wonder, after such an abominable interruption ! Give me 
the Sultana. 

Weekes (handing him the Turkish pipe). Here she is, sir. 

Captain (places pipe at his lips ; Weekes lights it). I would give 
all the Sultanas and Marguerites in the world for my Spanish Carmen, 
which you were stupid enough to leave at home, blockhead. 
1 Weekes (penitently). I did not think, Captain, that 

Captain (tartly). You are not supposed to be troubled with any 

thoughts whatsoever. Now leave me, and 

(Weekes starts and returns. 

Weekes. Sir ? 

Captain. And I warn you to give your Mary Ann, or whatever 
you call her, a rest, or I will give you a week's notice to put in your 
pipe and smoke it. 

Weekes. I understand, Captain. (Aside.) Since I am out of 
tobacco and pocket too, a week's notice is all I, Weekes, am likely 
to smoke until we strike the blessed soil of old England again. 

(Exit at bade. 

Captain (smoking dreamily). Ah, what luxury this is! The 
fact is, I should not have dared to look ac a pipe except that Alice 
got up with a cold in her head this morning and informed me that 
she was booked for some baronne's breakfast. The opportunity was 
too alluring to be neglected, the temptation too potent for me, and I 
succumbed. (SmoUng thoughtfully.) Now I am very much puzzled 
about that little better-half of mine ; for the last two or three days she 
has seemed preoccupied, almost sullen and altogether queer. _ I 
scarcely recognize her. That dear sweet spinster aunt of hers, Miss 
Rebecca Moloch, notified us last evening that it is her intention to 
join us here in Paris at once, and under these circumstances perhaps 
I need not charge my mind with Alice's vagaries, since the old lady 
is sure not to be in the house more than an hour before she has ferreted 
out the secret of my wife's defection and saved me the trouble. 
Antique girls of her stamp have a penchant for guessing conundrums. 
There is no denying, however, that something sombre has come over 
the spirit of Alice's dreams. It is not a case of mother-in-law ; in 
that respect, I have to thank my stars that my horizon is without a 
cloud. Aunt Rebecca affects the maternal solicitude, but, heaven he 
praised ! the nuisance ceases with the affectation. The point that 
disturbs my equanimity is, — why the devoted old soul has sud- 
denly taken it into her precious head to swoop down upon us in the 
midst of our honeymoon and before we have even been permitted 
to finish our wedding-trip in peace. I consider her interference 
here a positive impertinence. The very instant her telegram was 
received a restraint fell upon us. I cannot regard it otherwise than a 
subtle, pernicious influence that exerts some fell magnetism, setting 
at naught the intervening miles of dull land and nauseous water. Of 
a surety, coming events cast their shadows before. Well, there is 



6 PIPES AND PERDITION. 

but one tiling to be done now, and that is, to assume a bold front 
and face the music. 

"Weekes {putting his head in at bade). Hist! Captain! Some- 
one has just sneezed on the stairs ! 

Captain {starting up). Sneezed, do you say ? It's my wife ! 

"Weekes {looking off at back). It is the Missis, Captain, and 
there's somebody with her ! 

Captain {rushes back and looks off ). Merciful goodness ! It is 
Aunt Rebecca ! Here, take this pipe, quick ! Conceal it ! Were she 
to clap her lynx's eye upon my Sultana, it would be equivalent to 
unconditional separation upon the spot ! {Pushes Weekes off with 
the pipe. Heaven grant that our cherished relative may have a cold 
in her head, also! Oh, for a deluge of cologne to disinfect the 
sure disaster that hangs pendent in this air ! 

{Exit hurriedly, l., just as Alice and Miss Rebecca 
enter at the back. They both advance %n silence and 
pause suspiciously in middle of stage. 

Miss R. {aside.) Tobacco — smoke ! 

Alice (aside). 2Zie was here and has fled; and what is more, he 
was not alone ! 

Miss R. So this is your suite, is it, Alice ? What a suspicious 
odor there always is about hotel rooms. Do you notice it, my 
dear? 

Alice. No, aunt ; I have a dreadful cold in my head. 

Miss R. I congratulate you, Alice ! {Sneezes.) What ails me ! 

Alice. You must have caught cold coming over last night. 

Miss R. {suspiciously.) Do you think so? Possibly. {Aside.) 
But I fancy I have lived quite long enough to know a cold when I 
have one ! 

Alice. How sweet of you to come to us so soon, dear Aunt Re- 
becca J 

Miss R. Well, to tell the truth, I couldn't stand the pressure an- 
other minute and had to come. Where are your bed-rooms? 

( They take off their hats and cloaks. 

Alice {pointing to door, l). That is our room. The one opposite 
we have reserved for you. 

Miss R. Rather close quarters, but I suppose it will have to do. 
Come, my dear, let us sit down. I want you to tell me just how you 
have been getting on. (They seat themselves on sofa.) How does 
your husband turn out? 

Alice {hesitating). Quite as well as you could expect. 

Miss R. (tartly). But I didn't expect, my dear. I never sanc- 
tioned the marriage, notwithstanding the important fact that I am 
your god-inother — but your father would have it, and you seconded 
his madness. What could I do against three of you, mad as March 
hares as you were ? I grant that Captain Valentine has money, but 
he is a military man, and I have my private opimon of military men. 
lam not given tu dissimulation, my dear Alice, and Captain Yane 



PIPES AND PERDITION. 



Valentine had good reason to know that I would .not have had him, 
if he had sought me before he did yon, not though he had been made 

of gold! ■ . ■■■•■■, 

Alice. Perhaps yon wrong him, aunt. , .. , ■ ■ . ... , 

Miss R. I hope I do. You've been married fifteen days, haven t 

J ° Alice (with a sigh). "No, only fourteen, . . _ . u . , 

MissR Fourteen, eh? Once I should have said that a fort- 
night was no time at all to make up one's mind upon a man, but 
aftpr the storv that is going the rounds m London of a certain young 
couple ^— oh, it is slmpfy shocking ! And right in the midst of the 
honeymoon, too ! --.■-,' 1 ,» 

Alice (nervously). What is the story, aunt > .. •. ... f ,..* 

Miss R I dare not repeat it. Of course, it is all the man^s fault, 
who, I need not inform you, is a military man, and m the habit of 
receiving letters. - . 

Alice. Letters! From whom? * .-■ ._ ,,.-. 

Miss R From whom, you simpleton ? How on eartn are you 
tfoinc to find out ? But let me ask you from whom a military, man 
woufd be likely to receive letters I You husband does not get any 
letters, does he f 

Alice. Oh, it is not that, aunt! ■ _ . . 

Miss R. (firing.) Not that! Why, mercy on me, speak out, child! 
What do you mean? He . _ 

Alice (bursting into tears and throwing herself into Miss K s 
arms). Oh, dear, dear Aunt Rebecca, I am so wretched! 

Miss R (rigidly.) I Tcnew it ! I was sure of it ! Now what is 
it? Tell nie this instant. I shall not be surprised to hear of any 

il Alice '(soiling). Yane has deceived me— deceived me cruelly, 
shamefully! He has any number of lady friends whom I do not 
even know He deceived me about them while we were engaged ; 
he deceived me on our wedding-eve, and he deceives me every day 
of our lives! He is a horrid creature! 

Miss R. (frigidly. ) This is monstrous, but I told you it would be 
so' How many women are there ? Be more explicit. 

Alice There is a Spanish girl called Carmen ; there is a Margue- 
rite, and another named Victoria, who I have made up my mind is 
English Oh, he knows women of every nationality under the sun ! 

Miss R. Atrocious— but I am not astonished. Proceed. 

Alice. Well, one morning, thinking me asleep, Vane came into 
this room from our chamber, leaving the door ajar. The first thing I 
heard was mv husband saying to that demon of a valet : Weekes, 
what have you done with Carmen?" " I left her m London/ was 
the scoundrel's reply. " What, you blockhead ! " cried Vane, "you 
have left my pet at home ! " " I supposed that, bemgmarned, whined 
Weekes, when Vane interrupted him with, "And is my marriage 
any reason why I should neglect old friends ? 



8 PIPES AND PERDITION. 

Miss R. {breathlessly.) Is it possible ! Oh, but I told yon so I 

Alice. Presently Yane said, "It is all very well to play the 
model husband for a few days, but there is an end to everything." 

Miss R. Grant me patience ! I only wish I had known of this be- 
fore ! Is that all ? 

Alice. ISTo. Weekes replied, "Do not be distressed, Captain, 
there are plenty as well colored as Carmen ." 

Miss R. Colored ! Oh, but this is abominable ! And what did your 
husband say to that ? 

Alice. He said, "All right, go and pick me out a couple." . \ 

Miss R. (horrified. ) A couple I 

Alice. Just fancy my feelings, Aunt Rebecca, when that horrid 
valet asked, " Shall I get you a Turkish one ? " 

Miss R. A Turk ! Oh, only let me see her ! 

Alice. "No," said Yane, " the Sultana is enough. You may as 
well get me a neat, tidy little German, and be careful that no one 
sees you bringing the Fraillein in." 

Miss R. (wildly.) This man is a monster! My imagination fails 
to grasp the enormity of his villainy. My poor, dear child ! All is 

lost! Your happiness is ruined ! Your What did you do upon 

making this discovery ? 

Alice. Do ? "Why, naturally I attempted to prove the truth of 
what I had heard. 

Miss R. Prove ! What proofs did you require? He's a military 
man, and that settles it ! 

Alice. One thing more. You did not notice that that door there 
(pointing, L.) was just closing as we entered? 

Miss R. (starting.) Why, no ! Was it? What does it mean ? 

Alice. It means that Yane was in this room, and that he was not 
alone, since I heard voices there as we came up stairs. 

Miss R. (faintly.) Alice, you are undone ! This is the last camel 

that broke the straw's, no, no, I mean (Enter Weekes, l.) 

Who is this? 

Alice (aside). The valet, Weekes ; his accomplice. 

Weekes. Captain Yalentine begs to present his compliments to 
Miss Moloch, and to inform her that, having completed his toilet, he 
will be with her in a few minutes. 

Miss R. (with assumed graciousness.) You are Weekes, the 
valet, I believe? 

Weekes (bowing). I have that honor, Miss, at your service. 

Miss R. (handing him money.) This for your faithful duty to my 
nephew-in-law. 

Weekes. Half-a-crown ! (Aside.) Now this is my sort of an old 
maid. (Aloud. ) Thanks very much, ma'am. 

Miss R. Your master was in this room when we entered, was he 
not, my good fellow ? 

Weekes (hesitating). Ah, no, er that is, yes, ma'am. 

Miss R. What was he doing ? 



PIPES AND PERDITION. 9 

Weekes (embarrassed). I he er 

Alice. Answer, Weekes. Remember, I am your mistress. What 
was my husband doing here ? 

Weekes. Really, ma'am, I can't say. 

Alice. I command yon to reply ! 

Weekes (aside to Alice). The Captain said as how if Aunt Re- 
becca knew, there would be a separation between you on the spot j 
she would not understand that 

Alice (sternly). Confess ! He was with Victoria ! 

"Weekes (amazed). How did you know the name ? 

Miss R. (wildly). Tousee! 

Alice, The wretch ! 

Weekes. But, ladies, it is not my fault ! I saw it would come to 
this. I begged and prayed him when he married to give up 

Alice. Do not seek to deceive us, sir ! Tell us the truth. 

Weekes. You will not betray a poor rascal like me? No ? Well, 
then, it was not Yictoria. 

Alice. Who then? Was it Marguerite ? 

Weekes. No, ma'am, it was the Sultana. 

Miss R. This is revolting ! 

Alice. Can it be that he loves them all indiscriminately ? Are 
they all one to him ? Has he no preference V 

Weekes. Assuredly, ma'am. Carmen is his favorite. 

Alice. That Spanish fiend ! 

Weekes. Ah, but she's a beauty ! You'ld say so yourself. 

Alice. Is she, then, so very beautiful, — more so than the Fraulein 
even? 

Weekes. Oh, far more ! She is a Damascan blade to a rusty 
carving-knife ! 

Alice (aside). What infamy ! (Aloud.) Is she really Spanish? 

Weekes. Not a bit of her. She's French, of Paris, through and 
through. Master calls her Carmen because she's a true brunette and 
the amber sets her off so ! Oh, she's a daisy ! Such a shape, too ! 
No mere sham about her ! 

Miss R. You have seen her, then ? 

Weekes (smiling). Well, rather. Why, I've smo— (checks him- 
self abruptly). 

Miss R. (sharply. ) What were you going to say ? 

Weekes. Nothing, ma'am, nothing ! The Captain is very jealous 
of his Carmen, and his head is level there ; he could never replace 
that one. You don't meet with the likes of that every day, as you'ld 
say yourself if you were a judge. 

Miss R. I must confess that even this Spanish creature is prefer- 
able to a Sultana ! Ugh ! 

Weekes. I agree with you, Miss Moloch. Next to Carmen," give 
me my Mary Jane ! She's just a duck ! (Throws a kiss into space.) 

Alice. That will do, Weekes, you may go. (Exit Weekes, l. 

Miss R. Well, we have heard the_truth_at last! I know not 



10 PIPES AND PERDITION. 

what to say ! "Words fail me ; even my breath stifles me ! Ton see 
now what military men are ! I knew it — knew it well. I am never 
mistaken when once my mind is made up ! 

Alice (in despair). I shall die of chagrin ! 

Miss R. And you might add, of disgrace ! 

Alice (crying). Ha, ha, ha! 

Miss R. (crying). Ho, ho, ho ! "What will become of us ! 
The Captain suddenly enters, l Both women scream and rush 
precipitately of at back. 

Captain (advancing smilingly). My dear aunt, how very amiable 
of you to — (pauses. ) Upon my word, what ails them ? Are they 
mad ? ( Goes to doors at bade. ) Alice, my dear wife ! It is only I ! 
Comeback! "What is the matter? What has happened? (Going 
to door, L.) "What ho ! Weekes ! 

( While the Captain stands with his back turned, Miss 
Rebecca appears at back. 

Miss R. (speaking to Alice without). I must hear what is going 
to be said. I will be complete mistress of the situation or die, one 
of the two. 

Enter Weekes, l. Neither of the men perceive Miss Rebecca. 

Captain. Have you seen the ladies, "Weekes. 

"Weekes. Yes, Captain. 

Captain. "What is the trouble ? 

"Weekes. Captain, I — 

Captain. Come, come, no prevarication ! Out with it ! "What is 
the matter with them ? 

"Weekes. They know all ! 

Captain (puzzled). All — what? 

"Weekes (making gestures as if smoking). All our secret. 

Captain. So, you have betrayed me ! 

"Weekes. I haven't opened my mouth, Captain. But I have 
found out that they know all, even to the pet names ! 

Miss R. Oh, my poor Alice ! 

Captain. And how did they take it ? 

Weekes. Deucedly bad, Captain. The old girl said it was 
revolting. (Exit, l. 

Miss R. (furiously). I'll " old girl" you, my friend ! 

Captain. Quite as I expected. I foresaw that the moment she 
set her foot in this house, good-bye to peace and harmony. 

Miss R. This is too much— too much for even my exalted pa- 
tience. . . 4 ... , 

Captain. Her years have rendered her a meddlesome vixen. 

Miss R. Yixen, is it now ! 

Captain. I was a fool to have allowed their entrance to have dis- 
turbed me. There is no earthly reason why I should not have con- 
tinued at my ease. 

Miss R. You hear what he says, Alice ! At his ease I 



PIPES AND PERDITION. 11 

Captain. Under their very noses. 

Miss R. Oh, the monster ! 

Captain. Hang me if I don't get Marguerite and bring her in 
here ! I will not be so hen-pecked ! {Exit, l. 

Miss R. {coming down stage, followed by Alice.) Do you under- 
stand? He's going for Marguerite— he's going to bring her here 
under our very noses ! Oh, the monstrous villain ! Come, my dear, 
let us leave this place at once ! Now, without a moment's delay ! 

Alice. Yes, aunt, at once! 

{ The business which follows may be made very comic. ) 

Miss R. Where is my cloak ? My cloak, I say ? 

Alice. And mine ! Where did I leave it ? 

Miss R. Fortunately, my luggage is still at the station ! Have 
you found my cloak ? ' (They search wildly. 

Alice. I'm so confused! What cloak? All, yes! Here's your 
hat! 

Miss R. Give it me, quick ! If he should fall upon us before we 
can escape ! No, this is your hat ! 

Alice. Stay — here's my cloak ! 

Miss R. Are you mad ? That is mine ! 

Alice. Wait! Just let me pack my sponge and brushes in — 
{siezes hat). 

Miss R. {wildly). In my hat ! 

Enter tffte Captain at bach; hesilently regards the frantic prepara- 
tions for departure. 

Captain. May I inquire, ladies, what is going on here f 

(Alice and Miss R. shriek and rush into each other's arms. 

Captain. Well, grant me some explanation. 

Miss R. Is she with you ? 

Captain. I beg your pardon ? 

Miss R. Are you alone ? 

Captain. I fail to understand you. 

Miss R. I bid you good-day, sir. 

Captain. Are you going to leave us ? 

Miss R. We are going to leave you ! 

Captain {laughing). Both of you, eh ? So, then, it is an uncon- 
ditional separation, is it ? 

Miss R. You may be very sure of that, sir ! I always did say 
that a military man was as much to be avoided as the plague ! 

Captain. I am far too well-bred to say it, but I have always 
thought that I would rather take a good flogging than be subjected to 
the tender mercies of a mother-in law, or anything approaching such 
a monstrosity ! 

Miss R. Oh, grant me patience ! 

Captain. Come, Alice dear, let us kiss and be friends ; we have 
had quite enough of this detestable joke. 

Miss R. You dare offer to kiss my niece when your lips are 



12 PIPES AND PERDITION. 

Captain. Oh, I have used a cachou. 

Alice. Ah ! 

MissR. Oh! 

Captain. Alice, if you wish it, I will swear that never again in 
all my life will I 

Alice. Of what avail are your oaths, sir ? Have you not violated 
all, trampled all in the dust ? 

Captain (laughing). Violation is a strong word, my dear. For- 
tunately, however, I may plead an excuse for my behavior. 

Alice. An excuse, sir ? Pray, what is it ? 

Captain. The cold, in your head. 

Miss. R. (confounded.) This assurance surpasses all bounds ! Are 
we to understand, sir, that whenever your wife has the misfortune to 
have a slight redness in the region of her nose, you claim the liberty 
to 

Captain. Red or white, it is the same charming nose to me ! But 
if for the time being she chances to lose the use of that precious little 
organ, you will grant me 

Miss R. (frigidly.) We grant nothing, sir! 

Captain (bowing). As I supposed. 

Miss R. But what connection has my niece's nose with your out- 
rageous conduct ? 

Captain. All the connection in the world ! 

Miss R. I fail to see it. Granting your wife to be deaf, dumb and 
blind, would you consider such infirmities a feasible cover for your 
scandalous infidelities ? 

Captain ( puzzled). I really must beg your pardon. I do not fol- 
low your drift. 

Miss R. What excuse do you offer for bringing under the same 
roof with your bride, into your very rooms even, a whole horde of 
abominable creatures? 

Captain (starting). "What ! Alice, I 

Alice. Oh, do not presume to approach me, sir ! 

Captain (reproachfully). Can it be possible that you believe 

Alice! 

Alice. Do you fancy for a moment that I would deign to notice 
your Victoria ? 

Captain (amazed). Victoria ! 

Miss R. Or that ruffian of a Sultana ? 

Captain (comprehending the mistake). G-ood heavens ! I see it 
all ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

Alice. And Carmen too ! (The Captain shrieJcs with laughter. 

Miss R. (furiously). You see him laugh ! You see him with 
your own eyes ! And he is able to laugh, the monster ! My senses 
reel ! I shall have a turn in a minute ! 

Captain (laughing). If there is a turn to be had, it will be my 
turn to have it if you keep on ! 



PIPES AND PERDITION. 13 

Miss R. You are a fiend incarnate ! The very Devil himself, 
horns and all ! 

Captain {affecting sorroiv). And yon really must leave us, dear 
Aunt Rebecca ? 

Miss R. As fast as steam can cany me! 

Captain (to Alice). And you, Alice ? Must you desert me also? 
After this one happy fortnight ! Is it all over? Shall we never meet 
again ? 

Alice {hysterically). Fever, never ! 
. Captain. "Well, so be it ! You are doubtless in the right. " Oh, 
my offence is rank ; it smells to heaven ; " that is, it probably would 
if the windows were open. But ere you leave me, permit me at least 
to make the amende honorable which will prove the profundity of 
my repentance. {Goes to door, l.) "Weekes ! 

Alice {wildly). "What are you going to do ? 

Captain After condemnation wbat follows in natural course but 
execution ?— "Weekes, I say ! 

Alice. Oh, what do you mean? 

Captain. I mean that the execution shall forthwith take place. — 
"Weekes, where are you? {Enter "Weekes, l. 

^Weekes. At your service, Captain. 

Captain. Advance, "Weekes. How many of those — er,— you 
know what, — have we with us at present, all told ? 

TVeekes {counting his Angers). One, two, three — you have four, 
Captain, and — 

Captain. And you? 

"Weekes. One. 

Captain. "Where are they ? 

"Weekes. In my room, sir. 

Captain. Bring them here without delay. 

"Weekes (hesitating). You must make some allowance for Mary 
Jane's ap— 

Captain. Never mind Mary Jane's appearance. Do as I bid 
you. 

"Weekes (saluting). Yery good, Captain. (Exit, l. 

Miss R (nervously). In Heaven's name, what do you intend to 
to do ? 

Captain. Be patient. You will see. 

Miss R. But I do not wish to assist at any cannibal orgy ! 

Captain. It is too late to retract now. 

Alice (in alarm). Oh, Yane ! "What are you going to do ! 

Captain. Throw them all out that fourth-story window yonder. 
(Points to window at back.) 

Miss R. (wildly). Mercy on us ! This is murder in the first 
degree ! 

Captain. I am well aware of the fact. (Re opens the window.) 

"Weekes (outside). Here they all are, Captain! 

Miss R. {screaming). Oh, oh ! This horror will drive me mad ! 



14 PIPES AND PERDITION. 

Let me go! Let me go, I say ! (Exit precipitately , r. 

Captain. Go, my dear Aunt ! No one has the slightest inten- 
tion of detaining you. 

Enter Weekes, l., with all the pipes on a tray. Alice flies to sofa 
and conceals her face in the cushions. 

"Weekes. Here are your pets, Captain. (Presents the tray.) 

Captain (taking Alice's hand). My dear wife, be good enough to 
inspect the criminals. 

Alice (hysterically). Oh, no, no, no ! Where are they ? 

Captain. Here, close by your side. 

Alice. "Which ones? 

Captain. Well, here is "Victoria, and Marguerite, and the Sultana; 
not to mention Mary Jane. 

(Alice slowly raises herself and glances round in terror. 

Alice (stricken with amazement). Pipes! Are they pipes ? Really 
actual pipes ? 

Captain. "What else did you suppose, my dear ? 

Alice. Good gracious, I thought oh, Vane, Vane! Ha, ha, 

ha! ( Throws herself into his arms. 

Captain (with affected amazement). "Well, what does all this 
mean ? This sudden access of affection after 

Alice. Oh, Vane, how mortified I am ! "Will you ever forgive my 
foolishness ? I thought they were all women ! 

Weekes (laughing). Women! Women! Jove, you could knock 
me down with a marabout plume after that ! 

Captain (embracing Alice). Foolish, jealous little wife ! 

Alice. I have been meanly suspicious of you, dear ; but I am 
justly punished ! 

Weekes. My Mary Jane — a woman ! Thunder and lightning ! 

Captain (taking the pipes). And now, death to your rivals ! 

Alice (staying him). !No, no ! I forgive them with all my 
heart ! 

Captain. But I insist. My word is pledged that the execution 
shall take place. 

Weekes (kneeling). Captain, I crave your mercy for Mary 
Jane ! 

Captain (tragically). No mercy shall be shown ! They are all 
in the same boat, all alike criminals ! 

(Se throios pipes from window at back. 

Alice (rushing to door, r.) Aunt ! Aunt Eebecca ! Pray come 
and sue for the pardon of Mary Jane ! 

Miss R. (staggering in faintly.) Mercy, mercy ! Don't kill them. 

Captain (looking from window). There they lie ! Every one of 
their precious heads broken ! 

Miss R. (weakly.) Every one ! Every one! Alice, Alice, we shall 
all be hung for this ! 

Captain (advancing). The execution is over ! The extreme pen- 
alty of the law has been fulfilled, and that ends it. 



PIPES AND PERDITION. 15 

Miss R. (starting.) "What does he say? Ends it? 

Weekes (at the window). Heaven rest her soul ! She's dead as a 
door-nail ! My Mary Jane has been run over by an omnibus ! 

Miss R. (covering her face.) Oh, horror, horror ! 

Captain (laughing). "Weep no more, Weekes. Carmen shall be 
yours when we reach home. 

Weekes (in ecstacy). Carmen — mine ! Then I shall wear no 
weeds for Mary Jane, though I may smoke one out of respect to her 
memory. 

Alice. And how satisfactory a substitute shall I be for this same 
Spanish beauty, my dear Yane ? 

Miss R. {spitefully.) And for the Sultana as well? 

Captain (kissing Alice). I can promise you I shall have no fault 
to find with the exchange ; but in return, promise me that you will 
never be jealous again. 

Alice. Never ! Oh, never ! 

Miss R. (amazed.) What does this mean ? "What do I hear? A 
reconciliation ! Alice, are you demented ? 

Captain (advancing smilingly). Everything has been set to rights 
by the magic of a little simple confidence and common sense. I re- 
gret that this slight family jar — not a tobacco-jar this time — has pre- 
vented me from bidding you welcome to Paris. Really, my dear 
aunt, how are you ? 

(In wonder and amazement Miss R. slowly recoils until 
she trips and sinks into Weekes' arms ; upon recog- 
nizing him, she rises with a shriek. 

Miss R. Oh, you monster ! 

Alice. Dear aunt, be reasonable. It was all a severe practical 
joke of Vane's; but all's well that ends well, you know. 

Captain. So why should we not finish this wedding trip in har- 
mony together? 

Miss R. I consent, provided there are to be no more foreign 
women in the party. 

"Weekes. And no more smoking. 

Alice. ~Ro more pipes. 

Captain. And no more perdition. 

Curtain. 



EXPLANATION OF THE STAGE DIEECTIONS. 

R. means first entrance right and right. L., first entrance left and left. S. 
E.R., second entrance right. S.E.L., second entrance left. T.E.R., third 
entrance right. T.E.L., third entrance left. FE.R., fourth entrance right. 
F.E.L., fourth entrance left. U.E.R., upper entrance right. U.E.L., upper en- 
trance left. R.F., right flat. L.F., left flat. R.C., right of centre. L.C., left 
of centre. C, centre. CD., centre doors. C.R., centre towards right. C.L., 
centre towards left. Observing you are supposed to face the audience. 



Pet Lamb, The. 

Pint of Ale, A. 

Poisoned Darkies, The. 

Portrait Painter, The. 

Presented at Court. 

Princess, The. 

Prison and Palace. 

Private Inquiry, A. 

Punch und Judy. 

Purty Shure Cure, A. 

Queen Mary. 

Quite at Home. 

Kace Ball, The. 

Ralph Coleman's Reforma- 
tion. 

Refinement. 

Result of a Nap, The. 

Ringdoves, The. 

Robin Hood. 

Rob, The Hermit. 

Rosebud ; or, The Sleeping 
Beauty. 

Rumplestiltskin. 

Sayings and Doings. 

School for Scheming. 

School for Tigers. 

Sentinel, The. 

Shamrock. 



I Shylock, burlesque. 
Sign of Affection, A. 
Single Life. 

Sir Dagubert and the Dragon. 
Skinflint. 

Slight Mistake, A. 
Slighted Treasures. 
Spelling Match, The. 
Spitfire, The. 
Stage-Struck Yankee. 
Ten Nights in a Bar-Room. 
There's Millions in it. 
Those " Cussed " Waves. 
Thoughts Before Marriage. 
Three Grocers, The. 
Three Temptations. 
Tiger at Large, The. 
Tipperary Legacy, Tho. 
Tittlebat a Father. 
To Let, Furnished. 
Tootle, Tootle, Too. 
Too Windy for an Umbrella. 
Tragedy Transmogrified. 
Trip to Cambridge, A. 
Twenty and Forty. 
Twin Brothers, The. 
Two Gentlemen ar Mivart's. 



Uncle Jack. 
United States Mail. 
Vermont Wool-Dealer. 
Village Belle, The. 
Village Doctor, The. 
Villikens and Dinah. 
Virginia Mummy, The. 
Virtue Victorious. 
Wanderer's Return, The. 
Wardrobe. 
Weak Points. 

Wearing of the Green, The. 
Whisky Fiend, The. 
Who Got The Pig? 
Who Stole the Spoons T 
Who's Your Friend] 
Whv Did You Die? 
Wicked World, The. 
Wild Flowers. 
Wine Cup. The. 
Woman of the World, The. 
Woman will be a Woman A. 
Women's Club, The. 
Women's Rights. 
Wreck, The. 
Wrong Bottle, The. 
Yankee Peddler, The, 



THE ETI 



PIAN DRAMA. 



Actor and Singer. 

Aunty Chloe. 

Black Mail. 

Black Shoemaker. 

Black Statue. 

Bones at a Raffle. 

Bone Squash. 

Box and Cox. 

Camille, burlesque. 

Challenge Dance. 

Chris Johnson. 

Coon Hunt, De. 

Cooney in de Hollow, 

Coopers, The. 

Covsican Twins. 

Cream ob Tenors, De. 

Creole Ball, The. 

Dancing Mad. 

Darky's Dream, De. 

Darky Tragedian, De. 

Dat Same Old Coon. 

Deaf — In a Horn. 

Debbil and Dr. Faustum, 

De. 
Debbil and de Maiden, De. 
Desdvmonum. 

Dixie, our Culler'd Brudder. 
Don Cato amide Big Bassoon, 
Elephant on Ice, An 
Fighting for the Union. 
Gallus Jake. 

Ghost of Bone Squash, The. 
Haunted House, The. 



PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. 

Highest Price Paid for Old 

Clothes. 
Howls from the Owl Train. 
Hunk's Wedding Day. 
Hypochondriac, The. 
Jolly Millers. 
Juba. 

Juhe Hawkins. 
.Tulianna Johnson. 
King Cuffee. 
Les Miserables. 
Lucinda's Wedding. 
Magic Penny. The. 
Maid of de Hunkpuncas, De. 
Manager in a Fix, A. 
Mischevious Nigger. 
Mishaps of Cffisar Crum. 
Mumbo Jum. 
Mysterious Stranger. 
New Year's Calls. 
Night Wid Brudder Jones, A. 
Nobody's Son. 
No Cure, No Pay. 
Octoroon, De. 
Oh, Hush! 
Old Dad's Cabin. 
Old Gum Game, De. 
Old Hunks. 

Old Kentucky Home, De. 
Oid Uncle Billy. 
Old Zip Coon. 
Pete and Ephraim. 



Pete's Luck. 

Popsy Dean. 

Porgy Joe. 

Possum Fat. 

Quack Doctor, Tho. 

Quarrelsome Servants 

Rival Lovers. 

Rival Mokes. 

Robert Make-Airs. 

Rooms To Let, Without 

Board. 
"Rose Dale." 
Sambo's Return. 
Scenes at Gurueys. 
Scipio Africanus. 
Sham Doctor, The. 
Sixteen Thousand Yean 

Ago. 
Sports on a Lark. 
Stage-Struck Darky, The. 
Thieves at the Mill. 
Three Black-Smiths, Tho. 
Ticket-Taker, The. 
Trail ob Blood, De. 
Trouble Begins at Nine, De. 
Troublesome Servant. 
Turkeys in Season. 
Uncle Jeff. 
Uncle Tom. 
Under de Kerosene. 
Up Head. 
William Tell. 



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